I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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