What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
