Someone shit on the floor
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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