You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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