At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
