Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
