My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
