Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
