Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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