I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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