Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
