i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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