good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
