i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
