i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
