did you get engaged???
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
