Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
