i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
