wrigley field is MILF paradise
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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