seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
