I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
