So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Enjoy the penises
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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