Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
