I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They took my balls.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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