So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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