I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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