I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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