I can text with my tongue
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
