I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
