Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
