I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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