I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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