$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
