She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
