im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
