Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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