hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
