there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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