guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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