Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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