I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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