Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
