We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
