I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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