On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
