My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
