I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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