I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
