mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
