I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The adults are the big ones right?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
