Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
