Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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