So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
