Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
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He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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