did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
