Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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