so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
