i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
