I feel great
I just peed on a car
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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