Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
