My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
